Big Dumb Guy

Aug 20

a little something about me

frankly speaking, i sometimes feel that i am a menace to others because of the reckless rage that burns hot inside though blunted by age and taoism.  i say this because it seems during my latest black out, i apparently went to the store for beer, came back and, as my son tells me, i got somebody mad there.  haven’t a clue; don’t remember any of it.

my b.f.f. mike beat this rage into me good and sure as if this was his mission in life.  it wasn’t just me.  my mother took her beatings and so did my eldest sister.  it was so horrifying to live with a creature so violent.  we all literally spent our days on eggshells never knowing what might stir the beast.  ugh.  i don’t blame mike entirely; he also took his beatings from his dad just like the rest of his siblings.

i recently had a memory return of being four or five and him yelling in my face with his foul breath, veins popping on his neck, he’s so angry spittle is hitting me in the face and the open palmed slap across my face as i cried.  and you had to stop crying,  you had to bury that shit good and tight right then, right there or he would keep hitting you.  it made me think that i’ve never imagined how it was to be my mom or my sister.  what terrors did they feel?  it got pretty sick.  rather than leave the asshole, mom decided it was more reasonable to deflect dad’s wrath towards me.  anything that went wrong was all my fault and thus i absorbed her beatings or my sister’s.

so i grew up beating the hell out of my sisters.  it wasn’t either of my sister’s fault.  my parents decided i was old enough to watch them while they worked.  it was a stupid decision and i took more beatings when i got tattled on for hitting them in addition to the beating for not having the house clean, you know because we were kids.

then, as a young teen father, i beat my own kids so i split because i thought they would be safe.

now here i am.  my son who molested my daughter is snoring peacefully away on my couch; my daughter who i miss terribly and want to see desperately because of my grand babies (who i love, cherish, adore and whom i have never hurt because i don’t do that shit anymore) lives with her mom who willingly boned her brothers so doesn’t get why my daughter who wasn’t willing is having trouble forgiving the snorer to my left.  i was going out for visits but it’s just too much.  and they have roaches.  eww!!

still somehow, some reason, people really like me.  they dig the shit out of me and i just don’t understand it.  some would say i was lucky to have such friends in my life, to know that people smile when they think of you in a memory you helped create.  it is a paradox i just don’t comprehend.  these days, kids love me and i love them.  it’s truly one of the happiest moments in life to see a happy child and if i can make a child laugh, it literally takes the bad feelings out of me and replaces them with sunbeams and butterflies.  i’ve had the good fortune of grandchildren and nephews and nieces and that is what stirred my first genuine feelings of love within me.  love like that is pretty awesome and i’m fiercely protective of them. 

and yet, despite all the good in me, the progress to this good fellow, my issues with outbursts remain.  what might i have said to the clerk at the store?  how lucky am i that the cops weren’t involved?  or, when i went to kentucky a few months ago, why did i have to argue until someone punched me in the face?  what did i ever do to deserve getting punched in the face by anyone?  do you know how many times i’ve almost had a gun pulled on me because of my belligerence?  that’s the part that keeps getting me into trouble.  is it some inner subconscious need to take a beating or have another do for me what my happy pills no longer allow me to do for myself?  am i letting all this old shit, ripped open, stirred afresh overwhelm my own positive image as a good and ethical person worthy of having a good life with good friends and good sense and judgment?  probably.  but that’s the rub isn’t it?  the great galactic joke.  people like me lose sight of our good when the memories are as heavy as an anchor in the middle of an ocean. 

Aug 19

This says it all:

timekiller-s:

Tonight I watched freedom of the press and freedom to protest disappear under martial law in Ferguson, MO. On live TV. Incredible.

— Mike Stout (@mikestout_msu)
August 19, 2014

(via cognitivedissonance)

[video]

Aug 12

ferguson, mo and stokely carmichael

so as you may know from my last post, i’m already a bit frustrated today so i decided to have a look ‘round the web to see what might distract me from it all when i stumble across these horrifying photos of what is going on down there in ferguson, mo where cops killed a guy for being black and then harassed people at the vigil so hard a riot broke out.  now, i’m used to seeing these photos when they come from places we have invaded where —haha— insurgency breaks out, because who cares if our guys break a few eggs over there, right?  but not from a few states away and certainly not from america.

brief aside: this is all george bush’s fault; by allowing 9/11 to happen and the subsequent militarization of state and local police, these sorts of events were bound to happen.  and they do!  with stunning regularity.  why that man isn’t in jail somewhere for his crimes against this country and humanity is beyond fucking me.

anywho, so i decide i’m gonna share these photos on facefuck and discover i can’t and so my frustration ratchets up a notch and then i’m on twitter retweeting the pictures to all the strangers following me there (i keep my facefuck and my other social media separate.  ain’t nobdy there needs to know what i’m on about).  this led me to discovering there was a dude named stokely and stokely had some very interesting things to say about the state of black affairs in america.  like her’s a good one from a time when this happened in the 60’s:

"The time for running has come to an end. You tell them white folk in Mississippi that all the scared niggers are dead!"

see?  just switch in ferguson, right?  and he has a bunch more spot on observations from his time that are just as true as today.  take this gem:

"You see that honky McNamara on television? He ain’t nothing but a racist. He says, “Yes, we are going to draft thirty percent of the Negroes in the Army. This is where they can have equal opportunity. Yeah. Yes… yes it’s true that they are only ten percent of the population, but this is a better chance for them.” When that honky talk about drafting thirty percent black people, he’s talking about black urban removal—nothing else.”

just put in don rumsfeld right?  but i came across this quote to and found i both agreed with it and was disturbed by it, because it too speaks to today’s issues:

"Dr. King’s policy was that nonviolence would achieve the gains for black people in the United States. His major assumption was that if you are nonviolent, if you suffer, your opponent will see your suffering and will be moved to change his heart. That’s very good. He only made one fallacious assumption: In order for nonviolence to work, your opponent must have a conscience. The United States has none."

well what can you say to that?  clearly our nation lacks ethics or conscience.  we see proof of this everyday.  wealth is redistributed to the wealthy who don’t need it, our corporations are either going overseas to maximize profits or directly dealing with the chinese government that exchanges slave labor for billions, money china will use to defeat us when they get ready to take us down.  slave labor?  like we care!  i see your ipads and androids.  we bomb the shit out of whom we like, we’re the fattest fucks on the planet, there are 7 billion souls in the world, we have 300 million of it and produce the most waste and consume the most resources, so no, the united states has no conscience; it lost it’s moral compass a long time ago.  thank you mr. reagan.

but then i read that same quote and insert tea party guy.  open carry guy.  white guy who swears there is a war being waged on him already.  nut jobs spouting about second amendment remedies because they finally get that bush wiped out the bill of rights with his thrice damned patriot act but blame it on the black guy because the wrong party is in office.  in best radical right winger: “they’re spying on me?  well when did that start happenin’??  oh.  war on christmas bitches it’s obama’s fault!”

a right winger (the way they talk anyhow) could use this quote as a pretext to do all sorts of bad things to government officials.  some of them talk freely of doing so (which proves obama can’t be a tyrant but irony is wasted on the stupid) yet nothing happens to them.

nope, just to unarmed black folk.  where that quote actually holds weight.  how do i feel about that?  if america will not treat black people like people and gun them down in the streets like dogs, what choice do they have really?  but killing is wrong to me.  violence is wicked.  right wingers, especially the likes of cliven bundy don’t have this problem do they?  they can threaten the authorities with assault rifles and get a ‘by your leave guvner sorry for the bother, it will never ‘appen again or my name isn’t rule of law.’

so frustrated.

never alone anymore.  kid won’t fucking sleep like he used to but now wakes up every few hours to compensate for my attempts to change my sleep schedule so i can be fucking by myself for more than 5 minutes at a fucking time.  i just want to scream and yell and throw a tantrum and say, ‘goddamit, junior, you know you’re fucking with me you asshole so fucking stop it!!”  but i don’t because i know it’s my fault for opening my home to this farting, burping, smelly, unsympathetic (literally, he has no empathy because of his aspergers or so his shrink told me) mouth breather anyway because i was trying to be a good dad even though i know i suck at it because i’m an emotional idiot!  guilt is wonderful.

so i’m sitting here stressed, my headache is back already and i’ve only been up an hour.  oh yeah, my life is the tits.

Aug 11

[video]

it’s one of those times of day where you want to express something and go to write and and you find you’ve lost all the words that seemed so important to share just a few minutes ago.

i didn’t come on here just to air my personal shit for the consumption of others to judge or ridicule.  i needed a way to vent that is just being denied me now in my current situation. 

i’m not the most stable of people psychically.  2 1/2 decades later and i’m still dealing with what my parents put my sister shelly and i through.  my youngest sister was spared mostly, thank whichever god you like, and has been able to live a pretty decent life though she, like i, unwittingly married into a family of pederasts.  people.  is it any wonder i’m so leery of everyone?  the person next to you may seem trustworthy enough, but how do you know what horrors are playing out in their minds waiting to become a reality?

anyway, the venting.  i have to get this off my mind and my chest somehow, create a funnel to pour all these crappy thoughts and emotions swirling around my noggin into so i’m not melting down in front of others; it’s embarrassing enough that i do it, but to feel the shame in front of others is intolerable.

it’s an ugly shame, an evil shame, put there by a wicked man.  every shame i feel, there’s my old man hovering over me with his belt in hand tearing me down verbally , reminding me how worthless and stupid i was to begin with.

and see?  now i am ready to cry again so i must stop for now.  my kid, yeah that one, is still awake at this hour.  it seems no matter what i do to vary my sleep schedule, he’s always adapting to it so he stays on mine.  it’s bad enough to have to do everything for a grown man but can’t you just sleep 6 fucking hours and give me some alone time?  can’t you walk down to the library for an afternoon?  could you have not fucked my daughter or made out with my ex-girlfriend you animal?  ugh.  he’s my son with aspergers; what can i do but be a loving parent? 

guilt is awesome. 

Aug 10

accepting my faith

as a proper taoist, i know that if you want to get rid of something, you must 1st allow it to grow.  as a blakeite, i believe the road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom.  as a former christian, i believe eating, drinking and making merry is some god’s will for my life.

i say all this because yesterday i sat outside waiting for the bus.  it was hot (to me anyway).  wearing black is a poor choice for sunny afternoons.  i sat there beating myself down mentally and verbally (yes, i do have conversations with myself aloud; it is a recent activity, but one which has proven useful as a sort of pressure valve for my internal conversation which never.  shuts. the fuck. up!) because i know what a complicated situation i’m in trying to do the right thing all the time for everyone when i can barely keep myself intact and have a hard enough time taking proper care of myself.  i’ve radically accepted all this like my dbt classes taught me, but the resulting feeling of the weight of the world on my spirit has left me psychically drained all the time and so i’m drinking way more than i should and on some nights when i do this i enjoy the thought of drinking myself to death. 

maybe some of the problem is that i’m not accepting my faith.  it is my beliefs, my ideation, my indoctrination that led me here and if i believe there is a purpose to my life in this universe of perpetual creation, then this is exactly where i’m supposed to be and this is the lesson life is teaching me.  i know once shit gets settled, junior be on his way and i will again have my sanctum sanctorum back and be able to recharge once more, but the when part is up in the air.  i know things will work out eventually because i’ve been lucky that way my whole life. 

i love myself though my esteem is a bit haggard.  i know i matter though i feel i harm those around me by virtue of my defects.  i embrace that i must do what i have to do to ensure that i carry my fragile, new recovery continues to blossom and bloom even if that means walking down a few excessive roads in the meantime while i wait. 

Sibling Incest: Does US Society Understand the Associated Risks?

http://www.alternet.org/sex-amp-relationships/does-us-society-understand-risks-associated-sibling-incest?src=newsletter1014909

like i was saying in my last post…

Aug 08

the doctor… sorta

the doctor in star trek:voyager ‘latent image’.  how i feel.

strange days have found us…

okay so i’m drinking, and when i say i am drinking, i don’t mean that watered down shit that passes for beer like bud or miller or what have you, i mean 7.2% abv founders ipa from g.r. michigan baby where our 12 year olds kill 9 year olds in cold fucking blood! 

okay so the point to all this: is it right or wrong to tell my daughter that the only reason her mother doesn’t think that our son having sex with her (our daughter) is because she (her mother) had consensual sex with her brothers?

fucked up?  tell me about it!

my kids (and any subsequent ones i might have had if i didn’t convince an army doctor that snipping my nuts would prevent me from beating more kids) didn’t deserve this.

now i have grandbabies and i don’t know what to do or how to feel or anything.

oh yeah, hash tag doors hash tag yo’ momma, hash tag all rights yadda yadda yadda.

the problem with adopting cats… kittens

i’m really stressed.

it seems ever since i became enlightened, it’s become more difficult not to have empathy for everyone and everything.  and for a dumb guy like me who has a fractured psyche to begin with, it borders on physical pain and i don’t just mean the headaches.  i always get those thanks to my inner conversation and panic anxiety disorder and have all me life.

i realized yesterday morning when i was having yet another sad nigh pathetic and embarrassing meltdown in front of my son (the poor kid; he’s 28 but has aspergers syndrome so he mentally is a child to begin with and it’s not his fault he’s here and he has to put up my psychological torments that i suffer through and i make him suffer through by extension) that i was behaving like my b.f.f. (biological father forever) mike because every morning he’d have meltdowns because, like me, we make terrible dads.  we need to be alone because our father’s father’s father’s did the same shit up and down our twisted seemingly molestering family to us (on his side anyway; i now understand why my grandparents l***** loathed the v******s so much).

not every one should be a parent and i see examples in support of this belief every day where i live.  i see straight up abuse every fucking day man and i wish, oh how i wish, i was making that up.  these kids are tortured and victimized and i just don’t get how it came to pass that after seeing how awful they are to their children that these parents don’t do just what i did and walked away.  i realized early what a shitty dad i was and i had no shortage of people to reaffirm that belief.  awful right? the funny bit?  it later (like almost 30 years later) turns out my kids would have been better off stuck with me smacking the crap out of them than with their family of molesterers, because, as it turned out besides the diddlers in my family, i married into a family of… anyone?  anyone?  you guessed it!  diddlers.

and i never got or understood molesterers or diddlers.  it never once occurred to me that it would be a good idea to sleep with my sister or molest my daughter or anything.  that’s sick.  but i was blind to how many were around me until later when like a good dad and a man trying to be in some sort of mental recovery i went looking for my kids.  who are now fully in my life and i love them unconditionally even though the one living with me 24/7 is really breaking my spirit because i need alone time to cry and heal from the sensory overload of each and every day.  but he doesn’t go anywhere so me whining and getting frustrated about it isn’t helping my mood.

i was in mcdonalds the other day because i wanted an unsweetened ice tea.  a lot of it; hooray for free refills!  mcdonalds is public health menace if not a family restaurant and on a warm day, the ac, the tee and my tablet, the sound of kids laughing what could be better to help soothe my savage breast than that?  and that happened and lasted for all of 5 minutes.

behind me, the eternal struggle: a mother trying to get her 2 year old to eat while the kid isn’t really hungry and wants to play with his new happy meal toy because he’s excited about it.  we’ve all been kids; we’ve all been there, right?  a happy meal can be like christmas when you’re a 2 year old.  anyway, the mother starts swearing at the kid and this goes on.  now at this point you have 2 bad options.  1) you can do absolutely nothing while trying to ignore it while inside you’re being assaulted and wait for it to hopefully pass without being dragged into it or 2) you can say something and the cops are called because you just know once you say something to an abusive mother in public it’s always the same ‘don’t tell me how to raise my kid’ and all the shit she has to say to insult you that follows.

so i took it.  i took it when she called her 2 year old son a nigger and i took it when she beat the shit out of him because i couldn’t do shit about it without fearing going to jail.  what a country!  i wanted to dig the kids toy out of the trash and say, ‘here ya go son.’ and look at his mother and say ‘what the fuck is the matter with you?  if you don’t want to raise him right give him to someone who will!’

i guess being a survivor of abuse myself, i’m a bit sensitive about all of it.  i mean, my brother frank is an excellent father and his old lady is just brilliant now she’s not a drunk anymore.  and those 2 kids are being nurtured, encouraged, loved.  that’s a parent.  if i was half the parent he was, i’d be a better man than i am today for sure.  in fact, it is frank that started me on this whole painful path of having emotions and feelings again and opening myself up to love.  i love that guy because he saved me from certain doom.

but back to that mother (i’m not picking on her, she’s just the latest example in a string).  so what is right here?  should we as a society accept that we can do nothing about fucked up parents fucking up their kids because this is america and we’re free to be asshats if we choose to be?  should we make the parents leave their lives where maybe a worse fate, a more horrifying abuse awaits them?  or should we grow up about abortion and realize that not every kid should be born to shitty people who will make shitty parents and will perpetuate the cycle of abuse for a whole slew of children in the generations to come if our species hasn’t killed itself off already with climate change?

i fear the climate change will fix this moral conundrum before we will.

Aug 07

[video]

Jun 12

“But the real problem isn’t Limbaugh. He’s just a businessman who is paid to reduce complex cultural issues to ad hominem assaults. The real problem is that liberals, both on an institutional and a personal level, have chosen to treat for-profit propaganda as news. In so doing, we have helped redefine liberalism as an essentially reactionary movement. Rather than initiating discussion, or advocating for more humane policy, we react to the most vile and nihilistic voices on the right.” — Liberals Are Ruining America. I Know Because I Am One (via azspot)

(via randomactsofchaos)

Virginia Republicans Oppose Sea-Level Rise Language

tpmmedia:

Virginia’s Hampton Roads region is at high risk for flooding, and lawmakers and officials in the state are trying to plan for the sea-level rise expected as a result of climate change. But they’re running into a problem: some Republicans refuse to accept the terms “sea level rise” or “climate change.”

Read more…